You’ve joined a LinkedIn Group. Unfortunately, Peter Peddler has joined the same group. Since legitimate email services have already heaved his ho-ho-ho out the door, he’s joined LinkedIn because LinkedIn allows him to spam you with impunity.

Last week I got a private LinkedIn message (pictured above) from Peter Peddler. In the screen shot I took, I was careful to change his name (lawyers are just too expensive these days), but you’ll soon see I needn’t have worried.

Peter wanted to know if my website was a bust – and could he fix it for me to produce new business “day after day, month after month, year after year, like CLOCKWORK.”

No, I wanted the creep to leave my inbox alone, but even more I wanted LinkedIn to stop allowing this sort of nonsense.

Group Gropes

The reason Peter could send me this spam message was because both he and I belong to the same LinkedIn Group, in this case “The Sales Association-Colorado Chapter.” Peter had just joined the group 15 hours before, but he’d managed in those 15 hours to send his pitch to everyone in the group – AND to post the same pitch on the Group’s so-called “Discussion” board.

The Emperor is Clothed in a Stock Photo

Well, Peter is a good looking guy, isn’t he? Which got us to wondering. Peter, you see, had only 3 connections on LinkedIn. He listed himself as a consultant to a company called “Marketing Drive Worldwide.”

You’d be surprised at how many people sending you messages on social networks aren’t really people at all. Nope – take a look.

We dropped his photo into Google for more information. Yes, is this a great Internet or what? Just drop a photo into Google’s Image search (click on the little camera to do it) and you can find almost anyone.

And, we did.

Oh My Gosh, Batman!

Peter, it seems is so good looking the guy really gets around. Imagine! He is the poster child of Level Five Solutions:

He is also one of the happy humans that Sanders Consultants helped find his dream job. In fact, it turns out, Peter’s lovely mug is all over the Internet. How did that happen?!

Peter, you see, is really just a stock photo available for download from Photos.com.

And, if you think Peter is the only one doing this… well, you’d be wrong. Pick a few of your latest Twitter, LinkedIn or Facebook followers and you’ll find that this practice is one of the leading forms of social media deception. Kind of makes you want to puke, doesn’t it?

Yes, Peter is not Peter, and as we’ve said over and over again, Natsume is not Natsume, David Ccyris is not David Ccyris and so on, ad nauseum.

Clicks Just Keep Gettin’ Harder to Find

So we can take the cover off now. It’s official, Peter Peddler is actually Michael Lohan – so no more need to worry about lawyers.

But wait, there’s more! Michael Lohan is not really Michael Lohan. He’s merely one of the thousands of made-up swindlers cynically haunting social media sites these days. He’s there to get his clicks. Yes, it’s money for nuthin’ and your clicks for free. Your loss. My loss. Our loss. Soon to be LinkedIn’s loss. Don’t buy their stock.

And even though he’s as fraudulent as a $3 bill, how would you know? You wouldn’t. But, LinkedIn knows about these guys – and they do absolutely nothing at all about them.

Whack-a-Mole

We did find someone who cared. The administrator of the LinkedIn Group, “The Sales Association-Colorado Chapter,” is Jeff Arnold. He responded to my email quickly and within hours had booted this fake “Michael Lohan” out of his LinkedIn Group.

Jeff, however, admitted his frustration with these kinds of “members”. He told me:

WE just don’t have enough time in the day to monitor such posts.  I frequently block and delete problem posters, but it’s a game of whack-a-mole.  You get one, another one pops up.

So, What Did LinkedIn Say?

Linkedin, on the other hand, wrote back a multi-paragraph generic upchuck email to my request that they throw Michael out. They told me the Group Manager is responsible. They allowed as how they don’t really have any power at all:

Please understand that the group management team is responsible for decisions about inappropriate discussions or comments as well as the activity of perceived “spam” that is posted in the discussion threads.

Please note that groups are member-generated content and not sponsored or sanctioned by LinkedIn. While spamming fellow group members is not considered a best practice for groups, joining a group and being open to messaging from a large open community can sometimes result in unwanted items.

To maintain the integrity of your group, please report any of these discussions or comments using the “Flag as Inappropriate” option.

You have to love it! Michael Lohan has nothin’ to do with us, LinkedIn says. How ‘bout a “Flag as Inappropriate” option that we could put on the total inaction of LinkedIn? That’s a flag I’d like to see.

Thank goodness for folks like Jeff Arnold, is all I have to say. They’re out there whacking the moles that LinkedIn ought to be snuffing out before they invade your inbox, your groups’ discussions, or before they sidle up to you and become your “friend.”

Yup, Lindsay Lohan Told Us

Do you still think the time you spend (or, more importantly, the time you must spend avoiding these kinds of dirtbags) is somehow worth it? Think about it. Someday the Pollyanna Pitchmen of social media will get off their duffs and begin to join in the fight against bot faces like Michael.

How might LinkedIn protect their site – and their stock price? The best thing they could do is to start throwing out the Michael Lohans of the world “day after day, month after month, year after year, like CLOCKWORK.”

It’s Spring Training time and baseball nuts are out in force. The real nuts, however, may just be the companies like MLB.com who seem to be selling their customer service soul to social media clowns.

MLB offers many ways to enjoy the baseball season, but by far the one that feeds the hungry baseball soul is their whole TV package. For a really reasonable amount of money MLB.TV makes it possible to watch major and minor league baseball games on your iPad, TV, phone, placemat, bathtub, ceiling tiles and even your neighbor’s begonias.

But, here’s the rub. The start of the spring training season has been frustrating because the folks running MLB seem to be off on vacation in Aruba.

Just when we need them the most, they are absent without leave on Twitter. Oh, they’re there, but they’re just not responding.

MLB.TV customers have been asking questions, making suggestions and even raving ecstatically about them, but they’ve responded virtually none of them.

Yes, some of their customers have been frustrated because the apps for MLB.TV have been showing up very slowly, or sometimes not at all.

Case in point? The apps for the iPad and iPhone remained “MLB 2011” all the way through February (even after pitchers and catchers reported). The 2012 version showed up only after March roared. The 2012 MLB app is still nowhere to be found on Roku – a sensational little device that turns your TV into a monster home entertainment system that will hurtle you towards unemployment, divorce and starvation. But you won’t care.

Except – MLB is clearly not delivering to Roku:

Has MLB.TV answered any of their customers’ questions, frustrations and complaints? Nope.

And, most all of the folks who are asking questions or complaining are legitimate fans with connections and reach that extend beyond their own gadgets. For instance, Steve writes a baseball blog called “The Baseball Enthusiast” and Lincoln helps run ShutdownInning.com – which is devoted to the Texas Rangers. Others making their voices heard are just as legitimate and connected.

MLB’s Twitter crew has done virtually nothing, though. Do you suppose that MLB’s management knows that their social media team has been sucking their thumbs? I doubt it.

Look, I love MLB.com. I just don’t think they are well-served by their Twitter guys, whoever they may be. Perhaps they’re busy watching spring training games…

True social media experts know that interaction with their fans and critics is the essence of the power of Twitter (and other social media sites).  We’ve scolded other favorite companies before – for instance, in “Are You Snubbing Your Very Best Customers and Fans?”

As we said in that article, if Chris Brogan, Gary Vaynerchuk, other even bigger companies and other popular performers can respond to their fans and critics, then so can these baseball guys. At 20,000 followers and a handful of questions, @MLBTV can surely handle it. Those mentioned above have hundreds of thousands and even millions of followers, and they manage to respond quickly to almost everyone.

Don’t be Baseball Nuts, MLB – get a Twitter clue and start responding to your fans. They’re ready to become fanatics, but not if you continue to scorn them.

It arrives over and over and over again. It’s that oh so personal message, “I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.” No explanation and no referral. Just click here, please. It’s making LinkedIn ecstatic. But, it should be making you nervous.

Yes, these days scads of Linda Dlugler’s have been asking to Link to us. We don’t know them from a hole in the wall. They’re mathematicians from Houma, Louisiana and restaurateurs from Scranton PA, but goody-goodie, they all want to connect to us.

Does Linda Really Want Me?

What Linda wants, Linda usually gets. If Linda asks us to connect, most of us are simply saying “Yes,” even when we’ve no idea who she is. That’s because LinkedIn wants us to think that’s our only choice. I mean, after all, it would be grumpy and mean to click the “Ignore Button,” because, well, it would be downright anti-social.

You see, LinkedIn wants as many followers following followers of followers following followers (do you follow?)  because that’s how it builds it’s value. After all, the more people who “group-on” to LinkedIn, the better, right?

Well, right if we’re deciding what’s good for LinkedIn; wrong if we are deciding what’s good for you. Having thousands of contacts who mean nothing to you – and you mean nothing to them – is the way to spam, computer viruses and even criminal attacks. We’ve written about this until we’re blue in the face – but LinkedIn Bubble? Or, Bobble-Heads? and Armed and Not Dangerous are good places to start.

Fight Back with Write Back

I don’t know how many people have told me – “Yes, but I can only accept or ignore the invitation.” NO, not true, you can write back and ask these folks to give you more information. But, LinkedIn doesn’t really want you to know that.

Pay attention. There’s a tiny little arrow next to the “Accept” Button. The “Accept” Button is big, so you’ll click it, even by accident. The arrow is tiny, and most people miss it entirely. However, if you click that arrow, you can actually “Reply (don’t accept yet):”

When Linda asked me in that highly personalized way, “I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn,” although my heart was all aflutter with the anticipation of a new connection, here’s what I said when I clicked “Reply:”

Dear Linda,

I’ve loved you all my life – and I shall love you forever. But first please, tell me who you are. I understand that you’d like to link to me, but you whisper not a word of why. Why me? Is it my charm, my charisma, my spicy, insightful blog articles, or something else altogether? Please write and fill me in,

Your patient servant,

8 out of 10 never write back. 1 out of 10 write back with a weak and generic claim that it’s good to connect to 37,000 people (why that might be they never really say – it’s just good). And, the other 1 says something like, “It’s your mother, Michael – call me sometime.”

Linkedin has been clear forever – get introduced through someone who knows the person you want to link to, and tell them why.

That’s out of one side of their mouth. They’d go broke if you followed it. Who’s encouraging indiscriminate following, linking and liking? Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook all assault you with “connection” offers. Here’s a recent screen from my Facebook account:

Why do they do it? Because the more customers they have and the more links they promote, the more they can brag that they’ve got zillions of users.

These days, however, serious articles about what is being called “social media overload” are starting to appear. The frightening privacy implications of online social sites are finally becoming evident. Serious people are beginning to apply Robin Dunbar’s studies of apes and gorillas (very apt when it comes to social media types) about how FEW connections we can actually handle. It’s called Dunbar’s Number – look it up.

But, studies and articles aside, this is how one of my friends feels about it:

I’m pretty dormant on all of the social network stuff.  Facebook is creeping me out and all I see are the same people announcing they put ketchup on their fries 20 minutes ago and other earth-shattering pronouncements.  LinkedIn reads like a series of self-appraisals in which they pulled out Roget’s Corporate Jargon and Buzzword Thesaurus. I don’t think I’m missing much by sitting on the sidelines.

Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter had better pay attention to my friend Jim if they treasure their stock prices and care about satisfying their investors. Big numbers don’t necessarily mean big stock prices. In fact, big numbers of nitwits, sellers and spammers pumping out the trivial, the mean and the misleading almost surely foretells a crash.

Too bad, because I liked connecting to some of you… just not all of you.

Here’s a screen shot that pretty much tells the story of why a once fairly intriguing form of communication has gone down the tubes so quickly. Spammers are now piling onto Twitter in swarms and very few people seem to care, and even fewer are willing to point them out for you.

I took the screen shot above a week or so ago – and it’s not at all an unusual point in Twitter time these days. It shows the messages that are specifically addressed to me (on Twitter these are called “@ messages”). It also shows the folks who have recently followed me.

At the time of my screen capture, no one of any use or value was sending me a message or following me. But, quite a number of spammers and vultures were.

Be Still My Heart

These kinds of vermin crawl out from under their rocks and accost you just about any time you send off a tweet. Zillions of them are following you, and zillions of them are following every other Twitter user.

So, who are these icky people? Well, it only took a few days for Twitter to hoist @FreeKindleBook2 right out on their little backside. You see, @FreeKindleBook2 was an outright spammer – linked to a bogus site. And, yes, they’re gone, good riddance.

It’s hard not to notice, but they were following 640 people and only 43 followed them back. I guess not that hard to notice, because those 43 sure didn’t.

The moral is don’t follow people who follow way more people than are willing to follow them back. Or, maybe the real moral is don’t be one of those people yourself.

Who Else Came to Twitter Town?

Well, @Yonjs8 tweeted to me specifically (I feel so special) that they were now hiring and also offered a link. Even though I desperately wanted to get hired by someone, I had no doubt that if I clicked the link, my computer would have burped Cheerios and nails for the rest of its life, so I didn’t. But, of course, just like with email spam, a small percentage of us do click –and that’s why these criminals find social media such fertile ground.

As for @BDvissablla176 and @YoungNatividadN Twitter has not thrown their tushes out yet. Maybe, just maybe, that’s because… well, no, no, no we are not going to go there, this is a family friendly blog.

@BDvissablla176  gave up on Twitter after sending out only 3 tweets. Maybe that’s because she was crushed that I did not respond to her offer to go to the “next level of networking.”

These kinds of Twitter spam offers are one of the reasons it’s far less likely that people will reply to your “@ messages” these days. They simply can’t tell your legitimate message from the punks and slime balls, and they’ve given up trying. Since communicating with other people is one of the most important aspects of Twitter, this spells some significant trouble for Twitter.

And Miles to Go

Finally, my last follower from the picture at the beginning of this article is @YoungNatividadN. She keeps on merrily tweeting away, every hour of every day. She finds no time to sleep at all – ever. You can actually see this for yourself, but why would you? We’ve done it for you.

The point is that Twitter keeps trying to kick off the spammers, and it succeeds in a tiny minority of cases. But, Twitter is woefully outmatched and outmaneuvered by the vast majority of spammers, sleaze balls, idiots – and automatons like Natividad.

But, Twitter is So Hot

Yup, it’s true. Now, more than ever, big companies like GE and Target are joining Twitter and crowing about it in their advertising. Celebrities like Lady Gaga and TiddyTwiceTea are hopping on board and gushing away. And television is so enraptured by Twitter that it’s positively embarrassing to watch.

But, unless you want to sell your soul to corporations or you just want a new version of People magazine on your desktop, you have to think long and hard whether it’s worth the hassle of weeding your way through this kind of guck.

You also have to ask yourself. Why are there so many social media boosters willing to sell you on the idea of Twitter? And, why are there so few that will mention the evident and important drawbacks? But, I’m sorry, you have to be the one to ask that, and I hope you will.

No one seems to care anymore that tons of folks are following slimeballs on Twitter. I’ll bet you’re doing it, too. But, you couldn’t be broadcasting your disdain for others, and for Twitter, any louder than by doing this.

Most of the people on Twitter who follow idiots are doing it through an automatic follow program. Hey, there’s nothing more “social” than an automated program. Most of these folks argue, “Who cares – it’s all good.”

Well, as we’ve pointed out time and again that’s an attitude that paves the road to viruses, spam and even early onset doofussness. It’s not all good.

The point of this article is to warn you about the growing number of these kinds of lollypop-heads – and hope and pray that you aren’t one of them.

Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow

Let’s take a particular example (which I changed slightly to protect the innocent – namely, me). We’ll call him Bubby Braggadocio (and we’ll say his Twitter handle is @BubbyBrag) Here’s his profile (edited only a tad):

LinkedIn & Social Media Guru, Trainer, Online Optimizer, Personal Haiku Writer, Husband, Father, Son, Follower of John the Baptist, Door Stop and Man of Destiny.

You know the type. He’s used automatic follow and automatic follow-back programs to run his numbers up into the stratosphere.

He follows 52, 142 poor souls and he’s followed by 67,205 even more bereft ones. These are actual numbers from an actual Bubby type person, and there are jillions of his ilk on Twitter (and a good hunk of them are following you if you only take the time to look).

Bubby Billboard

Yes, he’s following you – as are his henchmen, roadies, dope peddlers and suck-ups. But, don’t, for god’s sake, follow him back.

Why?

Well, ask yourself this – can anyone follow 52,000 people? Do you suppose @BubbyBrag is ever looking at his Twitter stream to see what @Slmmbll is saying on Twitter? No, and he’s not looking at what you say, either.

Following 52,000 people is just an advertisement that says, “I don’t give a flying fish about you – all I’m doing in collecting numbers.” So, if you think you might “network” with him, converse with him, joke with him, or in any way interact with him, we’ll, you can just fahgettaboudit.

And, if you were to look, you would find that he’s only ever broadcasted tweets about himself, and he’s never, ever interacted with anyone via an “@ Message.” Also, you’ll probably not be surprised to know that no one has ever sent him an “@ Message” either.

But, here’s the deal – you actually don’t need to check this bozo’s Twitter stream to see if he ever interacts. The number of people he is following means he CAN’T interact, because no one can keep track of that many people.

Numbers Game

These folks have been told that it’s all about having numbers. Which is why they are cynical – and why they threaten Twitter. Currently, well north of half of all new Twitter users show no understanding at all of a reasonably manageable Follow/Follower ratio.

So, if you want to follow people on Twitter who might actually have a “social networking” relationship with you, stay away from these folks. They’re just counting social media coup. And you’re likely to end up scalped in more ways than one.

We’ve often written about how rude it is when people don’t respond on Twitter. Now, it’s more than rude; it can even be downright dangerous.

Here’s the deal. No matter how much you practice “Safe Following,” you’re still at risk on Twitter if the folks you follow don’t practice “Safe Following,” too.

You see, when you follow someone on Twitter, they can send you private messages (called Direct Messages or “DM’s”). These should be legitimate and intentional, but they’re not always. Notice the DM message pictured at the beginning of this post. It says, “Found a funny picture of you.” That sure sounds legit, no? Well, if you click on it, your computer will have been hacked.

Be Honest and Let People Know

When this happens to folks, it’s embarrassing for them, but most of them belly up to the Twitter bar and admit it. They say they’re sorry, and they warn their followers of the danger. Must be difficult, but it’s also absolutely necessary.

Do a Twitter search for the phrase “Found a funny picture of you” – and you’ll see for yourself that there are thousands of folks who’ve been infected this way.

Our Own Worst Enemy

Notice that the DM message does not say, “Jessica, I found a crazy picture of  you at the Wood Whittling Conference.” Nope, it’s a generic message, not a specific one at all – which means it can be automated. That, indeed, is exactly what’s happening. The bad guys are playing to our vanity, and automating it.

You can also do a simple Google search for whatever DM message you’re concerned about. If your message is an automated hacking attempt – other folks will have written about it:

Chilling, isn’t it. And, in this instance, you will find a few articles from a Google search, but considering the extent and danger of these attacks, remarkably few, indeed.

The folks over at NakedSecurity wrote a post (and thanked @TweetSmarter for the alert) called “Found a funny picture of you! Twitter phishing attack.”

They warn:

Everyone needs to learn to be on their guard against phishing attacks like this. If you did receive a message like the above, please tell your online friend that their account has been compromised, and they should urgently change their passwords.

So, if this happens to you – don’t ignore the folks who tweet to you about it. You are infected. Change your passwords right away. But, more importantly – admit it. Out in the open. Fess up. You’ll save your friends (and you) a lot of pain and heartache that way.

What Can You Do To Stay Safe?

There are three main things you can do to protect yourself against DM spammers:

1. Never use an auto-follow program
2. Don’t follow people who follow thousands (or even hundreds of thousands) of people
3. Don’t click on a link in a DM message unless you are sure of it

Learn From the Very Best

Chris Brogan is maybe the best Twitter mind on the planet. He once followed almost everyone – indeed he followed over 100,00o people not that long ago. But, not anymore!

Chris learned that he was being inundated with DM spam. He publicly and honestly had to change his “Follow Philosophy” and he now follows about 400 people. Read what he says in “The Great Twitter Unfollow Experiment of 2011” and “Update to the Unfollow Experiment.”

Good for Chris. And, good for you, if you keep following good people and stay away from the dipsy doodles. Yes, go ahead and even keep sending DM’s (and reading your DM’s) when a private message is appropriate. But, good lord, quit following everyone on Twitter.

And, if you’re hacked – admit it, openly, please.

It’s time to admit something. It’s time for therapy. It’s time to let you all know just how disappointed I am in you. Don’t take it personally. It’s my problem. I’m getting help for it. Promise.

When the Internet came along about 10 or so years ago (OK, I was a little slow) I was incredibly intrigued. I thought, “You know, all these people out there – someone might like me.” I also thought, “And a few of them might even share my interest in Edward Abbey.”

Turns out I was wrong. Despite the Internet, almost no one still really likes me. And, almost no one has ever shared their enthusiasm with me for one of the greatest writers of the past decades.

The AOL Years

My first foray into connecting with people online was AOL. They had chat rooms, they had my email and they had free email! Oh my.

My name on AOL? DSolitaire. (I still might be, but I can’t remember how to log in).

Could I have been more transparent? I mean I figured I was waving a red flag that said, “I love Edward Abbey’s great book about the destruction of the American wilderness, Desert Solitaire.” Someone is gonna’ come along and say, “I like him too!” and I’ll have a new friend.

Crushed, I say, crushed. No one ever did. No one caught on. In fact, the main interaction in all those many AOL years was a message sent to me in error. It had been meant for a David Solitare in San Diego.

The Blog Years

Then, after endlessly making fun of the people who would waste their time writing blog articles, I began writing not one, but two blogs.

Again, I figured I’d spend time with some of you. Get to know you. Talk around the campfire, so to speak. But, only a tiny portion of the millions and millions of you out there ever scroll down as far as you now have – and even fewer of you ever comment. Like I said, I’m getting help.

The Facebook Years

Then, along came social networking. I could hardly contain my enthusiasm. Double bubble! What could be better – both “social” and “networking.”

The clincher? I got to tell you who I like on my “Info Page,” which I admit I spent time on. I really thought about it. Not like some of you. NO, you don’t fill out your “Info” page at all. Makes it darn hard to get to know you.

On Facebook I got to tell you that I like Rosanne Cash, Jonathan Yardley, Northern Exposure and A Thousand Clowns – books, music, artists, writers, even baseball players. I could hardly contain my anticipation. The plutillions of Facebook users all over this polluted little globe of ours would know more about me. And, THEN, maybe they’d like me. Nope.

Almost none of you ever fill out your Facebook “Info,” and you never, ever say anything about mine. And, that’s why I’m disappointed in you. And, why I’m picking up the phone to call my therapist.

But, you know what. I’m not gonna’ give up. I’m gonna’ keep trying. Have any of you read Tana French? Amazing mystery writer. The Likeness and Faithful Place are two of the meatiest mysteries I’ve read in years. Anyone? Anyone?!!

Someone asked me recently, “What exactly do you do, Michael?” I thought for a minute and then said, “Well, Joe, I help you stay away from Natsume Mikamoto Untayao.” It’s not as easy a job as you may think.

You see, Natsume is gathering friends on Facebook faster than dog poop gathers flies. And, many of her “friends” are quite influential. She’s quickly gained 763 of them on Facebook. Not that surprising, since Natsume certainly is attractive, which is about all she is willing to share on her Facebook Page.

A whole host of National Speakers Association members have chosen to “Friend” this young lady. The list includes both past and likely future presidents of that prestigious organization – David Newman, George Walther, Gina Carr, Ian Percy, Joe Callaway, Liz Weber, Mark LeBlanc, Mark Sanborn, Nikki Harris, Ron Karr, Sam Horn, Scott McKain, Scott Friedman, Terry Brock and others.

Of course, there really is no such person as Natsume Mikamoto Untayao, as so often happens with all of these social networking sites. Consider this young lady on Twitter, “Twitter Hashtags are Mishmash”.

In fact, there’s no trace of any of the names, Natsume Mikamoto Untayao (Cielo Kiato), anywhere on the web – except of course, on her Facebook page.

Now all of this is not as surprising as you may think. After all, the President of the United States is “Friends” with Mark Zuckerberg. What you need to keep your eye on, though, is if Mark were ever put in charge of, oh say, Homeland Security. Then it might be a good idea to get out your northern Idaho maps and start looking for some land.

Yes, recently we’ve identified tons of Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook sleazebags and dipsydoodles right here on this stage (er, blog).

And, we have a perfect record. Despite duly reporting all of these folks internally to those companies (and writing about them in our widely read blog – choke, choke) not a single one of our featured spammers has yet to be ousted from Twitter, Facebook or LinkedIn.

Who Cares?

Worrisome? Yes, because as we’ve reported over and over, this is how you get not just spam, but those wicked computer viruses that infect your computer – and your friends’ computers, too.

You don’t need much help to find criticism on our blog of Mark Zuckerberg or warnings of the dire results of being friends with everyone, but here are two – “Facebook Virus – Sent to You by Your (Innocent) Friends” and “With Friends Like That…”

What Did the Speakers Say?

We asked almost all of Natsume’s speaker “friends” what was up with her. Not a single speaker knew her, of course. Most, like former NSA President Mark Sanborn, said that Natsume just “slipped through,” which is certainly reasonable.

A few more, like George Walther and Sam Horn, said that they approve most all friend requests, because it could be someone who has read one of their books, or attended one of their speeches. George and Sam’s responses are reasonable, too.

However, it does point out one of the few good things that Facebook has been doing recently. They’ve created business pages. That way, you can actually keep your “friends” as real friends and re-direct your “fans” to the “LIKE” button on your official business page. We’ll check with George and Sam and see if this helps them with their readers and fans.

Leave it to former NSA President (don’t you like the way we drop names in this blog?!!) Scott Friedman to present us with a pretty much unsolvable issue. Scott speaks frequently all over the world, but very often in Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, the Philippines, Vietnam, Indonesia, India and Hong Kong. He’d be challenged to isolate the “fake” friends like Natsume from the real ones from those countries.

We’ll have to get back to you on that one, Scott.

If Everyone Else Jumped Off a Cliff?…..

For the rest of you – just because a lot of prestigious speakers are following someone, that doesn’t mean you should, too. And, never, never just approve everyone who follows you (and don’t let your daughter do it either), “Scare the Facebook Out of You.”

Oh, and by the way, all of our speaker friends “unFriended” Natsume after we warned them. There’s a story about a starfish around here, somewhere…….

So, Joe, back to where we started. What do I do? I try to make sure that when it comes to social media you are armed and thus, not dangerous.

When is a “social media expert” a true social media expert, and when are they just frauds? It’s all in their claims, those overblown pitches they’re sure you’ll never check.

A few weeks ago, Gary Vaynerchuk stirred up quite a controversy when he said that over 99% of social media experts are clowns. We couldn’t agree more, but we’re not sure he didn’t underestimate the number.

Just like the photo above, the social media “expert” will waltz into your office and show off his weapons. “Here’s what I can do for you.” And, then the promises begin. “I can get you comments on your blog.” “Influential people will follow you on Facebook and Twitter.” “Millions of dollars are just a few clicks away.” Double hogwash and triple horsefadoodle.

Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow…..

Does this “expert” really think you won’t take the time to see how many people she follows on Twitter, as apposed to how few have been stupid enough to follow her? Apparently she does.

And, does this expert really think you will buy her expertise after just one (that’s “1”, count them, “1”) tweet?

I’m skeptical – healthily skeptical. And, you should be, too.

Everybody’s NOT Talkin’ At Me

Here’s the deal – a real expert, say Gary Vaynerchuk or Chris Brogan, has tons of connected and influential people following them. And, not just following them. Their followers are talking to them.

One way to quickly find out if your “social media expert” is truly social is to do a search on Twitter for that person’s “Twitter handle,” using the “@” symbol in front of their handle.

(Note: Twitter handles are the names people use on Twitter—which could be their real name (with no spaces), but might instead be a chosen “handle.” So, Randy Bibber might be @GoodBuddy, or @RandyBibber).

In this case we will test @realexpert against @SooperSeller—and you can guess……

@RealExpert has tons of people talking to him – and they are often connected and influential people. You’ll find this to be true of all the real social media experts, so look for it. Demand it.

@SooperSeller, on the other hand, has just about no one talking to her. And, the few that do are not exactly what you’d call heavy hitters.

They Will Comment and Comment and Comment…

You can get me comments on my blog? Really?! Oh goodie, I’ll hire you. I want comments on my blog!

But, first, check to see if they can get comments on their own blog. Is that fair? You be the judge:

Actually, when you check this expert’s blog, you’ll find out she has NEVER had a comment on her own blog – not to mention that she’s only been blogging for two years, with an astonishing total of 8 blog posts. Good time to pause and reflect? We certainly think so.

So, The Next Time…

Here’s the really scary part. The clowns and who sell themselves as experts will not just be raiding your hard-earned company coffers, they’ll be depriving you of the most most important thing you’ve already worked hard to build up – your reputation.

Yes, the next time someone waltzes into your office and makes claims about what they will do for you on social networks, take some time to see what they have already done (or not done) for themselves.

These clowns may be experts, all right. Sales experts. And, they’re selling you right down the river of no return when it comes to your precious reputation.

Editor’s Note: (By the way, we checked in on Ariane WooWoo – not her real name – a few weeks after we took our screen shot. She’s now following 2,000 people and has suckered another 400. She’s tweeted 9 more times, but no one has ever “talked” to her).

Before you go rushing off to buy some of that hot new LinkedIn stock from their recent IPO, think twice about who’s joining LinkedIn these days. David (pictured below) can’t even spell his own last name. Why should that scare you?

You should be scared because spammers, sleazeballs and crooks are skyrocking on LinkedIn faster even than the stock. And, unless LinkedIn executives do something about it right away, I’m shorting LNKD.

You see, there really is no David Ccyris. In fact, there isn’t even a David Cyris. He’s a figment of someone’s imagination. As is his company – ADF Consulting, LLC. Don’t believe me? I invite you to do your own Google search, phone home or ask a librarian. My bet is he’ll be harder to find than Anwar al-Awlaki.

Still, David has managed to sucker 31 poor souls to link to him. Oh gosh, I just can’t wait to learn more about his “Bio degradable plates” website. And, wait, look, up in the air, it’s an LLC!! No, it’s a Sole Proprietorship!!

Spending time on LinkedIn and other social networking sites is like having a subscription to the Onion. It’s funnier than Tina Fey’s new book (if only it weren’t so dangerous).

David Ccyris’s LinkedIn profile does link to his Twitter account – @davidccyris. There you’ll find he has no profile and no company link.

David repeat tweets a series of messages on Twitter like, “We Bioworld are one of the leading manufacturers of Areca leaf plate machines.” Uh huh? Click on his links at your own risk.

Still David has snookered 383 dopes into following him, after pestering almost 1,500 people. These 383 folks must have their auto-follow drivers stuck on “Fast Follow Anyone.” Still, does Twitter throw David’s sorry butt out the Twdoor, for clearly and openly violating their spam rules? I’ll let you be the judge.

All of this is why these seedy entrapment cheats are so dangerous. Over the past few days, I’ve had no less than four friends whose computers were infected by social media viruses.

My friends have not been practicing safe friending, safe linking and safe following, as we wrote about recently in “With Friends Like That….” And, even if my friends were practicing safe social, and their friends are not… well, you get the idea.

You have only to do a few news searches for phrases like “facebook spam” and “social media viruses” and you’ll find hundreds of articles warning you about scores of different social media swindles. Here’s just one from Washington Post writer Melissa Bell, “After Big News Stories, Watch Out for Social Media Viruses”:

While most people are aware of e-mail scams, viruses that are spread on social media sites seem to befuddle folks. The success of social media is partly to blame: People trust them as a way to safely pass along links to their friends.

Which is why so many of us fall for false tweets, LinkedIn lures and Facebook come-ons from best friends like Betty:

They say you have to know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em. These days, though, you’d darn well better know them before you hold them at all.

The safe haven of social media is quickly becoming a crime ridden neighborhood of pimps and pushers. Would you invest your hard earned money in that neck of the woods? Not me. Not until I see LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter rolling up their sleeves and leading a vigorous and consistent clean-up campaign.